Landing your helicopter parents

There are a few different models.  There is the basic Helicopter parent who hovers close to you and swoops down to solve any problem that may come up.   There are also Lawnmower parents (who mow down any obstacle) or Curling parents (who sweep every problem away), and the most extreme cases are often called Black Hawk parents (named for an American military helicopter).

Regardless of what you call them, it may be time to ask your well-intentioned parents to cut it out.  While most parents tend to move away from the helicopter thing after your first year of university, some hang on.  If your parents want to step in to negotiate your salary with your new boss, or speak to your professors about a final grade in your final year of university, you may want to sit down with them.

“Start by acknowledging your parents good intentions,” says Judy Arnall (BA 1988) a parenting expert and Continuing Ed instructor at U of C.  “Acknowledge that you know they love you and they’re doing it out of love.  If you start there you are not putting them on the defensive.”   She suggests telling your parents that you need to make your own mistakes in order to learn from them and that when they step in it can make you feel inadequate.

As for parents who are upset over some of your choices, Arnall suggests they should try to take a longer term view of those decisions.  “Look at it for five years.  If kids want to take a year off, if they want to travel or do a labouring type job for a few years to make some money, it’s only for a short time and those are learning experiences in themselves just as much as getting your first career job.”

Arnall says as much as some would like to, parents can’t bubble wrap their children from life experiences.  “They have to let go, let kids fall, let them scrape themselves and let them pick themselves up because that’s what builds their character and self esteem.”  She says it’s exactly that process that builds resilience.

But Judy says go easy on the parentals.   “It’s a process.  It’s as much kids weaning their parents as it is parents weaning their kids.”